Wednesday, June 2, 2010

special agent dribblets

okay 8th street tabouli drooler, i see that you have assembled your armies and have infiltrated not only 8th street, but also union square.  i witnessed your forces advancing on the sneeze guard at maoz vegetarian (sorry maoz, i was going to keep you out of this, but the tabouli drooler has waged war against you on at least two fronts now, and you are going to need reinforcements - i can't keep your secrets anymore).

you see, the sneeze guard is a brilliant little invention - the first line of defense meant to separate the food that people eat from all the nasty little bacteria and viruses in other people's mucus.  just because you keep your mucus to yourself (?) does not, however, mean you are upholding the spirit of the sneeze guard.  8th street tabouli drooler, you must be fully aware that dribbling saliva into the food is just as much an act of aggression against maoz as shooting snot rockets into the tabouli.  so you appear to have sent in special agent dribblets with just such a mission.

you are tricky, 8th street tabouli drooler.  at first glance, we would never have guessed that special agent dribblets had been sent in to do your dirty work.  she was sent in under the guise of a hungry, middle aged woman with bushy dirty blonde hair and dressed in some strange mix of hippie and amish attire.  special agent dribblets seemed harmless.  until she slipped underneath the sneeze guard with her half-eaten pita.  you are getting bolder, 8th street tabouli drooler, and your strategies are becoming more nuanced.  it was not just the repeated mashing of the serving spoon onto the saliva-drenched pita.  it was the tumbling of the contents of special agent dribblets' pita onto, and into, the toppings bar.  and her mastication over the toppings bar.  and the droppings from her open, masticating mouth onto the toppings bar.  have you no humanity, 8th street tabouli drooler?  there were civilians and children present.

as for you, maoz, have you considered taping a sign on the sneeze guard that prohibits these guerrilla tactics? i hear there are paper and markers dealers right in your very own neighborhoods.  yes, i fully expect the tabouli drooler and her armies will continue their attacks, undaunted.  but if you put up the sign, at least your less adversarial customers could pretend their food does not contain more than the FDA limit of 10% saliva by weight.  think of your customers.  feed us delusions before we feed ourselves falafel from the hundreds of other falafel joints in the city.

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