review of the bolt bus to boston

why i love the bolt bus from nyc to boston (er... okay, love is a strong word ... swap out "love" for "occasionally tolerate"):

1. it's cheap

2. it does not involve radiation and naked 3D photographs or groping by questionable security officials

3. (some of) the seats have electrical outlets and the bus promises free wi-fi

4. at least one driver begins the voyage by asking if anyone knows the way to boston.  enjoyed him.


how the bolt bus could improve:

1. make good on that wi-fi promise (i.e., yes, technically it exists ... but if it is not possible for people to use it because there is not enough of it to go around (resulting in no one using any of it), i don't think that really counts).

2. signs.  they need more signs.  for example, a sign on the inside of the bathroom door to inform well-intentioned passengers that the floor is not the appropriate disposal receptacle for their chewing gum.  and a sign requesting that passengers treat tuna fish like the dirty little secret it is - as something to be shamefully consumed in private ... not devoured in confined public spaces, where its nasty odor can waft over into the nostrils of the innocents.  or how about a sign on 34th street that clearly distinguishes the philly bus from the boston bus?

what happens now: during the 30-60 minutes before a bus arrives, passengers begin arriving on the street corner.  they walk around confused, happening upon a line that someone has started somewhere (the line has not been started by an employee of the bolt bus - if they are even around, they will tell you that the spontaneously formed single file of passengers "is not a line because the bus is not even here yet").  the newcomers might ask around to find out if they are in the right place: "is this for boston?" "are you going to boston at" (fill in a time)?  they derive a modicum of comfort from discovering that others intend to board the same bus they do or they walk around looking for something else vaguely resembling a line.  or maybe they are confused because the bus everyone else intends to board should have left 15 minutes previously. but no one is really sure of anything.  if an employee happens to be around, some passengers might ask him/her for information, only to discover s/he doesn't really have any.  then on their way back to their place in the single file of strangers, others will ask them what they found out.  the strangers then play telephone with the message that no one knows anything.
eventually a bus pulls up to a curb.  either the uninformed employee who happened to be there with the masses or an employee who has materialized out of nowhere softly makes the announcement of a destination and a time.  the masses who do not intend to go to this destination play telephone with the announcement, passing it along down the line that is not really a line.  the people who intend to board the bus suddenly make a mad dash to throw their bags in the luggage compartment and mob the entrance to the bus (and then we learn why the line was not a line ... yet it seems to form itself again and again before each bus arrives, even though the only purpose i could see it serving would be to keep the masses from rioting in disputes regarding who had arrived first (before, of course, they realize such distinctions are futile).   then the employee recites the first few letters of the alphabet ("a! anyone for a?"), pausing while harried travelers shove through the crowd toward the door of the bus.  some flash pieces of paper in front of his/her face, while others hold up their handheld electronic devices.  sometimes the employee looks at what they are showing him/her as they file past and finally board the bus.  other times, the employee is distracted by a compelling discussion with his/her coworker. eventually, by some dark magic, everyone ends up on the bus, seated with their carry-ons stowed.

3.  related to #2, some system of keeping employees abreast of which bus is which ... or some expectation that they communicate their knowledge to their customers

4. heat.  no, i don't mean on the bus (though it was a little on the chilly side for me).  i mean a heated waiting area.  it is cold when you are standing still on the streets of nyc in mid-december waiting for a bus that no one is sure will really arrive until it actually does.  in fairness, the outdoor "terminal" situation is probably not really bolt's fault.  bolt has its own terminals at the station in boston (and boarding there is quite organized).  maybe space is at such a premium in nyc they have been unable to secure ideal space.  or maybe they do enough business they don't care about securing something resembling a terminal in nyc.  i don't know.  i just know it is cold waiting for that bus.

5. in the summer, functional air conditioning for the entire bus (not just the first half of the bus).


6. functional seats.  yes, i understand that maybe you want to advertise that (some of) your buses have leather seats because maybe this is a major selling point for many (first-time/uninitiated?) customers.  but to those who equate leather with comfortable, let me explain something.  the seats are about 2" thick (warning: that might be a slight exaggeration - maybe it is closer to 4 or 5 inches? i'll have to pay closer attention if we need to use the bus again ... but they are thin).  and the actual seat part (you know, the butt cushion) falls considerably short of at least 2 of the passengers' knee pits.  as in, constant effort is required to prevent oneself from falling out of the seat.  to their credit, i think perhaps the bolt bus engineers must have known this could be a problem.  they installed foot rests beneath the seats so that passengers in each successive row could brace themselves.  (unfortunately, the first row lacks a bracing apparatus ... but passengers riding in this row have seat belts so that they can strap themselves in to prevent themselves from falling out of their seats).

update on traffic tim

so i have recently been informed that traffic tim's real name is john.  i'm kind of devastated.  i had gotten so used to calling him tim in my head when passing by.  but it turns out he's a local celebrity:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/11/03/2009-11-03_safety_first_then_classes.html

so, here's the next challenge: can anyone find the tabouli drooler?  is she also so infamous as to have an official article already dedicated to her?  in any case, until she is apprehended (and even if she isn't), i recommend taim instead.

red means go

it's hard to feel like i'm really a new yorker when i haven't lived there in nearly a month now.  from defending the dissertation to visiting my family to visiting J's family, i was home for a mere half a day in the last few weeks.  which of course leaves me with two choices, should i feel like writing today.  1. make something up.  but i just promised you that you can trust everything i ever say because i'm an expert now.  i'd hate to start of on the wrong foot by misleading you.  2. exploit older blog fodder until i return this coming week.

so today's topic is driving in the city.  i'm sure you are all aware that different states have different driving laws.  responsible citizens are apparently expected to investigate differences in state driving laws before crossing state borders.  however, because i don't know that many responsible citizens who actually regularly indulge this expectation (probably because in the vast majority of cases, the laws aren't too different), i'l save you all some trouble in case you should decide to take a road trip to my fine city.  from what i've observed, the laws within the city borders are drastically different than anywhere else i have driven.  so today, i have prepared a little primer on interpreting traffic lights.

perhaps the most confusing aspect of driving in new york is figuring out what those pesky traffic lights are trying to tell you.  people everywhere appear to disagree about whether a yellow light is a cue to suddenly slam one's foot down on the brake or the gas pedal.  in the city, err on the side of the gas pedal.  this is easy enough.

when you approach a clogged intersection, you may, at first, attempt to patiently wait your turn.  when you find that you are sitting through cycle after cycle of changing lights and your vehicle has not moved more than the inch or few when you impatiently crept up on the bumper in front of you, you may begin to feel agitated.  this is normal.  it is merely a symptom of your lack of familiarity with city driving customs.  after becoming agitated, you may soon catch on  to the fact that the other drivers aren't playing by the rules - but this is only if you expected everyone to play by the same rules that you learned at home.  specifically, that green means go and red means stop.  i know it must sound painfully incongruent with everything you know about the world, but in the city, red means go and green means go if you can weasel your way into the moving traffic.

you see, when your light is green, the intersection will be full of street cholesterol (the cars that are perpendicular to yours, attempting to  cross or turn onto your street).  if you can maneuver your car into the gridlock, go ahead and do it.  just inch your car closer and closer to the other side of the intersection, even if you get tangled up in the cross traffic.  things sort themselves out.  if you can't move during the green light, pass the time by honking your horn.  but before you do, look around and try to guess how wealthy the neighborhood is.  if the people on the sidewalks are well dressed and the buildings look fancy, you are probably going to encounter a "no honking" sign because the people who live here have not yet developed the immunity to noise pollution that has been cultivated in less affluent areas.  you may be fined if you oppress them.

when the light turns yellow, drivers suddenly realize just how frustrated they are because the gridlock has prevented them from moving when they believed they were entitled to move.  thus, yellow means accelerate further into the gridlock to ensure you don't get cheated again.  so begin to accelerate on yellow, and then when the light is red, keep creeping toward the direction you want to go because now that you and all of your similarly directed friends have moved into the intersection on a yellow light, you are all blocking the cross traffic, and they are getting agitated.  try to be considerate and keep moving out of their way during the red light.

wash, rinse, repeat.

after 4-5 cycles, what will emerge is a pattern in which the "go on green, stop on red" pattern has been completely reversed.  this system works best when every driver plays by the appropriate nyc driving rules.  the system will break down into chaos and cause delays for everyone if anyone attempts to selfishly drive by rules their own egocentric rules (e.g., braking on red).

when cabs attack

apparently, the parents of some new yorkers really dropped the ball.  the first few years of life are referred to as "formative" for a reason.  it is during those years that good parents set about the business of instilling a healthy dose of fear regarding behaviors that could endanger one's own or others' safety (not too much - just a healthy dose).  for example, when a car drives over your child's basketball, it will sound like a gun shot, and you may think this is frightening enough.  but you would be wrong. it is a parent's duty to scream and yell at the child who would have otherwise chased the ball into the street.  and when you parallel park, and your child is far from reality, busy entertaining herself in her own internal world, and develops a habit of just opening the car door without looking to see if other cars are coming, you need to reprimand her.  but as i said, some parents have really dropped the ball.

we were walking on bleecker street last night (on our, what must be weekly, trek for the best frozen yogurt in the world).  we got to the gelateria on the corner of bleecker and carmine street (where people are spending a fortune for about a tablespoon of gelato ... if only they had walked less than one block further, they would have discovered the frozen dessert bliss that is phileo - we are spending the same fortune, i'm sure, but we are having a whole meal of frozen yogurt).   just as we were crossing the street, we heard the screeching sound of some wheeled vehicle skidding into a very hard metal object.  as it turned out, it was a bicycle crashing into a suddenly opened cab door.  someone's mother neglected to fully impress upon them the necessity of looking before one opened a car door.

we joined the other new yorkers in staring and whispering for a moment before deciding that everyone looked like they were okay (although i did seriously make sure everyone was okay before continuing to walk - there is this wonderful little phenomenon called diffusion of responsibility: if you are in an accident or hurt in a crowded place, the more people that are around, the less likely any of them is going to be to help you ... no one is sure who should help ... or no one feels the need to help because the responsibility is shared with so many other people ... nonetheless, we saw that the girl in the cab and the cab driver both got out and were checking on the bicyclist, and there were people waiting with him (presumably for some sort of help or authority to arrive)).

not two minutes after leaving the site, another bicyclist rode by.  he was steering with one hand on the handlebars.  the other hand was holding a paper plate and a slice of pizza.  a half-eaten slice of pizza that was moving toward his mouth.  we would have yelled out to him to be careful because the streets are full of cabs.  but there were so many people around.  we weren't sure if it was our responsibility to warn him or not.  someone across the street kind of looked at him, so we thought maybe she was going to warn him.  the poor guy.  lulled into a false sense of security with the knowledge that cell phone use while driving is a big no-no in the city.  he was happily enjoying his pizza while he commuted, and he must have thought he was safe from all those inconsiderate fools who text while driving.  little did he know that cabs can still attack.

traffic tim

i remember my mom occasionally commenting that she liked new york so much because there was a place for everyone - no matter who you were, you fit in.  in one short walk through my neighborhood, it would not be uncommon to encounter quite a diverse array of lifestyles - the nyu students and faculty, the local homeless, philip seymour hoffman with his scruffy beard and grungy attire (and his lobster pajama pants-wearing friend), "punks" with purple mohawks, and hipsters with jaded expressions who have wandered into the village after growing bored of playing frogger in soho (the hipsters are the cars, and you are the frog - the game is more fun if you aren't in a rush to get somewhere), etc.

there is a place for even the most eccentric new yorker.  in fact, there is a place for one eccentric new yorker on washington square east.  i think i will call him traffic tim.  i have not really figured him out.  like many working people, traffic tim appears to get up every morning, get dressed, and head off to his job.  the peculiarity is that i don't think this man is actually employed by anyone - he appears to be a uniformless self-appointed crossing guard.  every weekday, he can be found directing traffic, and directing it quite passionately, near nyu.  he yells directions not only at crossing pedestrians (who most certainly hear him, but rarely react), but also at passing cars (whose drivers may or may not hear him, but do not appear to comply with any of his commands).  the first time i passed traffic tim, i thought perhaps he was suffering from violent schizophrenic hallucinations.  i instinctively averted my eyes and walked past him quickly.  now that i realize he is just a crossing guard (however unauthorized he might be .. and now that i think of it, however delusional that might be), i am torn between strong competing urges.  on one hand, shouting and aggressive movements and hand gestures are still pretty good cues that a situation is one that may be best avoided.  on the other hand, even if traffic tim's behavior errs on the side of delusional, he seems relatively harmless.  i have to fight the urge to stop and watch.  i want to watch traffic tim to see whether he notices if no one complies with his directions - or whether he just goes about his business, disregarding input from the world.  if he does notice, i kind of want to play along and wait until traffic tim tells me to cross the street - no one likes to feel ineffective.  

i am curious, though.  does traffic tim have a wife?  does he wake up every morning, have breakfast with her, and then kiss her good bye as he informs her he is off to work?  when he comes home at night, does he tell her about his day and all the ungrateful college kids who nearly got hit by cars or about the irresponsible drivers who disregarded his directions?  does she play along?